Eight years ago I went on a date I arranged with a man through a social site designed for hook ups. It was only the second time I used the site, the first scenario being less than ideal and sure to make my Catholic family blush.
Eight years on from my second experience, I’m married to that guy and as such think I’m perfectly qualified to give you advice on how you can be more like me and snag that man of your dreams.
Times have changed and though Gaydar is now the clamshell Nokia of the cruising kingdom, I’m fairly confident that my great advice is as applicable for the iPhone friendly Grindr as it is for the dinosaurs amongst you still using local newspaper personals.
So where to begin.
When setting up your user profile, remember these simple rules:
Nobody’s interested in your face. Selfies are notoriously unreliable. Unless you can guarantee that your date will show up, immediately stand on a chair, smear Vaseline in his eyes and shine a magnesium torch on you, you’re fooling no-one. Starting a date with disappointment is never a good thing. Go for the cock shot.
If you do have a good face, keep that as a pleasant surprise. If not, Marithe + Francois Girbaud do a great line in veils for men.
There’s a reason Gaydar, Grindr, Squirt and the Evening News all ask for stats. It’s all people care about. You can have a face like Joe Manganiello but if when you drop that robe you have a body like Gollum, they’re still going to end up spitting on your back and pretending they’ve finished. And they won’t call back.
The dick pic is essential and tells the real story. From one well lit scrotal photo you can tell religion, build, grooming habits and if it’s to your taste. They’re like snowflakes. No two are the same. Some disappear on your tongue.
There’s a real honesty in the gloss finished illustration of your wand of penetration. If your potential husband’s avatar is of them nailing their balls to a workbench then you know where you’re starting with them.
A cheesy portrait in a bar tells you nothing. Even Ted Bundy was hot.
Be honest. If you’re a power bottom let the world know. Somewhere, somehow, you’ll find that perfect power top and you’ll make sweet pneumatic music. There’s nothing worse than trying to park in the garage when the door’s half shut.
No-one really cares about your interests. You’re gay, there’s no need to state your music taste. We ALL love Kylie and Madonna. Listing your favourite albums from 2013 is a sure fire way to let people know you’ve been online wanking all year and not out getting bummed for Jesus.
Same goes for films. Unless you’re directing them to that thing you like doing that Gage Wilson does on Randy Blue so well then no one gives a fuck. Use the film section as an instruction manual, or skip it all together.
People like honesty. So when it asks what your interests are say you’re a borderline alcoholic who smokes too much and occasionally falls asleep when you’re still inside. Hobbies are for children. If you want to attract teachers or paedophiles then go ahead. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Now you have the bait, it’s time to cast your reel.
As soon as you see that someone’s looked at your profile start the conversation by saying something like ‘oh my god, that’s so big, I’ve never seen one like it, do you want to come round and turkey slap me like Fred Flintstone?’ Nothing kills a boner like a quick ‘Hi, I see you like Alanis Morissette, I once seen her in Milton Keynes’.
As SOON as they get back, respond with some platitude like LOL or ROFLMAO. People like to think they’re funny. They also really like acronyms and text speak. If you don’t know how to do text speak then try typing phonetically in a Hawick accent.
If they don’t block you immediately it’s a sign that they really like you. Ask them for a date or a booty call. These sites are very safe and it’s ok to share your home address and phone number if you’ve had one or two emails from the person.
It’s rude to ask people their STD or criminal status. People who commit crimes can’t use computers, only steal them, so rest assured that you’ll be dating one of the good guys right from the start. You can tell if someone has a sexually transmitted disease by looking them in the face in direct light. Crabs somehow make their way into eyebrows. If your date’s eyebrows are drawn on, you’ve made a massive mistake.
This is where it goes wrong for so many.
There’s a reason Madonna only dates people who still wear Axe body spray. The vitality of youth is sexy. Remember this when dressing for your date regardless of how old you are. Dungarees and a backwards facing cap will sub consciously let your man know that you fuck like a stallion. Pair it with bomber jacket and some Reebok pumps and you’re home free.
Though booty calls with complete strangers are a lot of fun, it’s often best to meet in a public space. Choose a bar you like and that is expensive. Order a lot of nice things and pretend you’ve lost your wallet. If he pays, it’s time to take him home.
First impressions are what matters. Do what you have to do to make him like you, regardless of if you enjoy it. He’ll soon forget the first time and get used to lazy familiar sex.
Real men like a bit of vulnerability too. If you can, shed a single tear when he ejaculates. I find remembering that bit in Beaches when Barbara Hershey dies always does the trick. If the mood takes you, sing the Glory of Love to plant the seed that you’re marriage material.
Now for the most important bit.
Make sure you have a morning quickie even if he has to work. This means he’ll need to shower, and you’ll then have time to go through his stuff. This is an ideal opportunity to look at bank statements and payslips, but really the jackpot is finding his spare house keys. Who wouldn’t love to come home to some homemade lasagne from the guy they balled last night?
From then on in, it’s over to you.
It may seem pushy, particularly if like me you’re British, but I assure you, if you are persistent enough, and keep pampering him when he comes home from work he will eventually agree to marry you.
If only to shut you up.