“I assume it goes without saying that you’ll stand out like a sore thumb if you’re not covered in glitter riding a unicorn crying into a £3 cosmopolitan”.
If you’re a mischievous and adventurous little sprite chomping at the bit for a bit of Scottish tottie but currently spend your time knitting and watching Coronation Street, here are some handy hints to help you get on the scene.
First of all, leave the house and come to Edinburgh. We’re very approachable and will welcome you into our city with open minds and hearts. Unless of course there’s a game on between Hearts, and Hibs. In that instance, just stay home because the streets turn into a Hieronymus Bosch painting sponsored by Becks. Really, just last week I watched a bunch of neds (Non Educated Delinquents) fighting each other from my livingroom window. It was like a scene from the Walking Dead, but without shovels and a lot more inbreeding.
Assuming that you choose to visit on one of the other 364 days of the year, once here and you’ve effortlessly styled your faux-moh and dowsed yourself in Issay Miyake, it’s time to hit the town and embrace some of Edinburgh’s institutions.*
*lots of liberties have been taken with the use of the word institutions.
We recommend that you kick-start any night out at The Regent.
This pub is known as much for its real ale awards as it’s ridiculously flirty bar staff and as Lady Gaga famously sang “no matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgendered life, you’ll be on the right track baby as they do a mean steak pie.”**
**this may be paraphrased
The Regent is without a doubt one of our favourite pubs in Edinburgh. It has a great mixed crowd and all are very welcoming. The bar staff love to chat and being called sweetheart from the burly gents never gets tired. The pub is always clean, though as a dog friendly space it’s best not to plan an evening there if you have allergies. It’s also worth a visit just to be able to guffaw at the often hilariously bad community artist exhibitions.
Once you’ve sampled some of the local ales, head back down the hill into the area locals jokingly refer to as the Pink Triangle. (Note that this isn’t a cruel throwback reference to the holocaust, but homage to Edinburgh’s strip scene; the Pubic Triangle.)
Between Broughton Street, Picardy Place and Greenside Row you’ll find a number of great wee pubs; The Street, Mezz, Nom De Plume and The Basement are some of the more reliable for food and banter.
Once you’ve hit a couple of them, you may well be ready for the garish pre-clubbyness of Café Habana or Planet Out before moving on and ending the night amongst the good, bad and desperate in the one and only CC Blooms.
Yes. It was named after a character Bette Midler played in Beaches. I assume it goes without saying that you’ll stand out like a sore thumb if you’re not covered in glitter riding a unicorn crying into a £3 cosmopolitan.
Joking aside, CC Blooms it’s a bit of a rite of passage for LGBT visitors to the city. It can be a great night so long as you don’t mind a sticky floor, the occasional handsy hen-night and dubstep remixes from the cast of Glee.
We wouldn’t dream of going, we’re far too old, but we won’t judge you if it takes your fancy.
You’re beautiful in your way.
Listen to JonPleasedWimmin’s latest mixtape for the Church of High Kicks (CC’s Sunday evening shindig).