This week LGBTicons introduces a new guest blogger in the rather delightful form of Mike Montiel. We spotted him in the WordPress Reader by searching the terms GAY and COMEDY. When we asked him to guest for us, a little bit of glitter fell out of his hoo-ha and the scream of delight that escaped his bosom was so shrill that it shook the very foundation of Beyonce’s marriage.
Here he talks about why every straight guy needs a gay friend exclusively for LGBTicons.com
Earlier this week I talked about the unbreakable bond between a gay and his Straight Female Friend (SFF), but there is one other relationship that is crucial to the world. That relationship is the friendship between the gay man and the straight guy.
Every straight guy needs a Bromo; it’s literally crucial. You see, gays bring a lot to the beautifully decorated table (thanks Pintrest for this super chic rustic look – totally hetero, loves it!) in the world of friendship and we can help our guy friends out just as much as we help out our main bitches, and… we will try not hit on you.
Wingmen: It’s proven that gays make the best wingmen. Nothing kills the potential roofie-vibe than being the guy that comes to the bar with their fabulous gay bestie. You point out to me the girl you want. I will make sure we take a shot, dance to Beyoncé like its nobody’s business, and then just when she thinks her night couldn’t get any better after meeting me, I will introduce her to your sorry ass.
The girl will know you’re totally not a killer because I’m with you, and then, it’s a done deal.
You got the girl and I got stuck at a straight bar with terrible lighting, shitty music, and a horrifying bathroom. Now where’s that vodka soda with a splash of cran you promised me, and not the well vodka like last time K?
Dating: Don’t know what to get her for Christmas? What are you going to do for your one-year anniversary? Don’t worry! We got you covered, yet again! We are hopeless romantics and since gays are so fucking picky, chances are we’re single.
So I have no problem letting you use all my great ideas that I’ve been staying up till 5 am pinning on Pintrest for ‘that cute guy from my Comm 130 class’ I’ve been mentally dating the past three months. Let’s face it he’s not texting me back so you’ll look like a hero while I’m just be over here drinking wine and crying as Big leaves Carrie at the altar for the hundredth time (it never gets easier) but don’t worry about me, you two crazy kids have fun…
Moving On: Your girlfriend broke up with you? Ew, we hated her anyways. Don’t shed one more tear on that slut. I have a contact list full of bitches that would love to go to dinner with you and yes, they’re much prettier than that broad anyways. Let me help you and you will be over that cheap hooker in no time. Give me any name and I am sure I have one in my contacts just waiting for you. Becky? Got it! Amber? Love that bitch! I talk to so many girls that it’s a shame I don’t like vagina, but you do, SO I guess you can have them. Now PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! I have already called that cute blonde with the nice boobs from my Bio Lab. She is on her way over and you are not embarrassing me.
Clothes: You can’t ask your buddy if you should wear light or dark khaki with your navy gingham button down from Ralph Lauren (that answer is light) but you can ask me. Duh. I mean come on! What did you think I did with all my time in the closet? I was learning the latest fashion trends for each season. Obviously.
If you want to hang with me you have to look the part.
I can’t be seen with you in cargo shorts and New Balances. Itss bad for my rep (unless they’re the super chic ones from J. Crew.)
Girls like a guy who can dress. You’re basically the Ken Doll my mom slipped me for Christmas that one year behind Dad’s back I always wanted. I’ll pick out your shirts, pants and shoes for any occasion. You will be the best-dressed straight guy I know.
Don’t you worry I got you covered.
It’s tough to go shopping with straight guys when all they want to buy are sneakers and flat brimmed hats from Lids (like why do you guys do that, honestly?) But don’t you worry. I will go with you. Shopping for other people is my fav! Here, try on these jeans they will make your butt look great!
You see the bond between a guy and their gay friends are much like ones with their girl friends. I help you get bitches, you make sure I don’t get beat up when I have one too many vodka sodas at the bar one night and decide to hit on that guy I see at the gym who’s totally straight.
Now lets go get the newest Cosmo and see what celebrities have the same sign as us! Oh we don’t do that?.. I mean lets shot gun a beer and watch the game!
Yes, gays will watch sports because… well, athletic pants are comparable to yoga pants for us. While you watch your Red Sox score some goals or whatever, I’ll be over here enjoying the view. It’s a win, win.
About Mike Montiel: If Regina George had a son who happened to be gay it would be Mike. A college student from Massachusetts and new to blogging Mike uses his fresh sense of humor and sassy personality to get his point across. He may come across as a bit of diva but that is only when he is channeling the power from his lord and savior Beyoncé “Sasha Fierce’ Knowles. The only men Mike has ever truly loved is Ralph Lauren and Jack Daniels. Follow his blog here and on Twitter @mikemontiel now sissy that walk and werk it hunny.
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